Thoughts on Malaysia

I was back in Malaysia for about a month and have just returned to Japan this week. It was truly a time for relaxing and slowly enjoying my days in Malaysia.

I have not returned home for 3 years since I came to Japan. My excuses were always that I had not enough cash or time but really I think I wanted to explore Japan more. I was just checking out my jalan.net history and was pleasantly surprised to see that I have visited 30 out of the 47 prefectures in Japan and that the total number of districts I have visited was an astounding 1,741. (It's astounding at least to me).

But I digress.

I had intended to share about my feelings on returning to Malaysia after being in Japan for so long.

I've always said that the public transport system and Japanese manners were top notch when asked about Japan. There is so many more things I wish to experience in Japan and places I want to go. Because of that, I have very little room to think about Malaysia or the things I might have left behind. I talk to my family and friends every day through various software and applications so that even when I meet them back home it felt like all I was doing was to continue our conversations. I do however enjoy them.

The one thing that I wanted to do in Japan that I couldn't do was actually to drive. I miss driving so much. In Malaysia, if you can't drive, you didn't go anywhere. It was a country where driving a car was cheaper to maintain than using public transport. Which was why I made it a point to apply for an international driver's permit. I recently drove up to Wakayama from Osaka and enjoyed the breathtaking view from Mt Koya. I truly felt how convenient it was to be able to drive and wondered if I would still think of trains and buses the same way. I'll be moving to Chiba when I start work next month so I think I will definitely be leasing a car.

I love Malaysian food. If it's one thing I love it's food. I had so many favorites that I could never be sick of eating Malaysian food. I made sure that I sampled all my favorites before returning to Japan so I have no regrets.

People-wise, I might be missing the way my country is so easy-going and somewhat lackadaisical nature when it comes to rule-keeping and manners. (Although I would never agree it's a good thing.)

Driving, food, and attitude... I think I've covered everything.

Where should I go to next?

No one reads anymore!

It finally occurred to me that no one reads anymore. They skim, scan, or glance over articles, posts, or tweets but they don't read. No one reads anymore!

Is there anything sadder than this?

You read all sorts of comments after reading an article and realize, no one reads the actual content.

(Fine, it might not be a new concept and I might have been in denial all this while believing in the human race but my bubble has finally burst.)

2015

It just occurred to me that it's the end of 2015. Today is the last day of the year 2015. 

All I knew about today was that it is the only day I planned nothing on my itinerary and it's the only day rain was expected all day. It didn't occur to me that this was the last day of the year. 

Perhaps I thought I would be washed over by a wave of nostalgia or that I would be reflecting on my year this very day. But nope. I'm too preoccupied with my winter trip to notice. 

Overall it was an okay year. It was more of a roller coaster ride. I've been to more places this year than any other year. I keep forgetting that I've now been to at least 4 countries instead of 3. In 2016, I hope to visit one more country. 

This year I forgot myself. Forgot who I was and what I can do. Forgot why I am who I am. I sought to appease an inner conscience that had no care for my future or my life. An inner conscience that could take over my entire being without difficulty and wreck my life. 

In 2016, I hope to remember how to be myself again. To find joy in the pleasures I enjoyed. To find peace in the comforts I seek. To find stability in the rolling waves that come my way. 

I wish that remembering was a choice I could make instead of something I can only hope for. 

The Japanese and Debates

I've noticed that ever since I came to Japan, the Japanese have been very accommodating and polite when it came to differences in opinions. They rarely say what they dislike or like openly without being sure they're not insulting anyone by just saying their preferences. In Malaysia or Australia, a difference in opinion often results in a lively debate that I miss so much. My conversations in Japan have mellowed down to mostly explanations, descriptions, and asking about current events. There are no debates here. Lively, healthy or otherwise. I miss having to reason out my opinions.

A healthy discussion helps work your brain. It keeps the cogs and wheels turning when you have to keep thinking of reasons to back up your opinion. I like open discussions because of that. It's rare to find people who are not stubborn about their opinion and is open to challenge or is accepting of differences in opinions.

It doesn't even matter if something isn't well thought out. When you start talking about it, you start reasoning it out and it helps you see their perspectives and your own. It's how you get to know if a person is just shallow or if they know what they're on about. It lets you know more about the person you're talking to.

I think I just figured out why I'm so irritated. The people I don't understand have no opinions of their own or are simply too shallow to have a conversation with. They won't argue with you or persuade you. They won't try to see your perspective or even think that there may be more than one way to do something.

Facets. It's what's so fascinating about our 3D world. There is always a side we can't see. It's something you can only see with the help of someone else. Or a mirror. But still, you need help to see every side of an object. Much more a person. If you can't hold a conversation with someone, how are you going to see them for who they are?

That is why I think it's very important to be with someone you can hold a conversation with. If you can't even talk to each other, what's the point?

Do you keep a journal?

There are many benefits to keeping a journal; from expressing emotions to logging daily events, the reasons are plenty.

What are your reasons for keeping a journal?

I am a sporadic journal-keeper. I had diaries during my pre-teen years. Then I kept online blogs and took to typing my thoughts as opposed to penning them down. It wasn't something I did every single day but I knew I had to do it. It was in my soul. There was a yearning that kept me looking for empty pages to fill with my handwriting. I just had to write.

Granted my musings may not always been inspirational or amusing or in any way interesting to the general public, I did have a sense of satisfaction in simply writing things down. Be it making a list of things to do or a list of things I am thinking about to organize my thoughts. It helped create a sense of fulfillment. A sense of accomplishment in my otherwise quotidian life.

Mostly, I had to write because I was afraid of forgetting. I have this fear that I'll forget everything one day and I won't even recognize myself. I am afraid of forgetting who I am, what I stand for, what I believe in, or simply forget what makes me, me.

So I write, to remember. To remember what I want to do. My aspirations. My inspirations. My opinions. I write so that I will be able to remember that this was who I used to be. However embarrassing my past self was. (I know I am embarrassed of my past self; I've read my old diaries.)

Even so, I don't think I will ever stop.

Point of View

As it turns out, no two persons can ever share a perfectly identical point of view. You may be able to get what someone else is saying but you'll never truly understand why. 

Everyone leads a different life no matter how similar their upbringing. No two siblings are 100% alike, despite growing up in the same environment. 

If that's true, is it worth arguing or wondering why people don't get what you're saying or is it worth trying to make people see things your way? 

Is my way always the right way? Is your way always better? 

Was the last argument you had worth it? 

Everyone sees things the way they want to anyway. Would what I say change the way they think? Would my words enlighten them or belittle them? How are my words perceived? 

I write in awe and wonder and I wonder if some might find me bitter or sad. Or simply unsatisfied with an imaginary situation. 

Sometimes I don't understand what you're saying or why you do what you do. But I have learned to accept that people being people are different and I know I shouldn't be bothered if I don't understand. 

Yet, when I see the look of confusion in your face and that twinge in your expression that says you can't accept that I don't understand, I'm equally as confused as you are. There are many things you may believe to be common sense, but I may not know what is common sense to you. 

So I smile an empty smile. I let out a breath or two to simply let go. It's okay. I'm me and you're you. If I like you just alright, I hope you'll like me enough to hang around long enough to be okay with what I am. 

Irony or Not?

Does this count as irony?

Last week I went all the way to the research center to use the mass spec and realized I didn't have a USB to transfer all my results.

Today, I made sure I had my USB but when I was ready to transfer my mass spec results, the room was locked!

T^T

If this is not irony, it's still a very unfortunate circumstance.

Looking Back

When can I look to The Lord as David had and say: "I have committed no sin."?

Japan in Autumn

In April this year, I'd have been to Japan twice now. Two vacations that resulted from unexpected events. My interest in anime and all things Japan were not exactly deep. But I did spend a fair amount of time gawking at 2D drawings and falling in love with 2D characters. In fact, it was only last year that I started liking dramas and such. When the opportunity came to visit a country where everything I've read about can be found, I had to take that chance. (Europe and America will have to wait, hahaha.)

What started as a mere pastime became a dream that turned into an obsession, and finally, a reality. I had always wanted to pursue a PhD but it wasn't an option at the time I graduated. Then, inspired by a Japanese TV show, I started looking up this university. Turns out there was a private scholarship open for application. The likelihood of me looking this up and watching that TV show was close to zero before last year. So I was convinced to some extent that something else was at work here.

I prayed about it and decided to apply for the scholarship and the university at the same time. I didn't get the scholarship but the university accepted me and nominated me for an even better scholarship! How could I not be convinced that this was something meant for me? And now... after months of waiting and filling of forms...

I'm going to Japan this September!

It'll be a different experience. Something very different for me. I'll be all on my own for the first time in my whole life. I don't know if I'll like it or if I can cope, but I know I'll enjoy every moment of it.

I've never been entirely on my own before. I've never gotten the opportunity and I regret never fighting for it. Now that I know I will be on my own, I can't say I'm not worried or anxious or scared out of my wits. But I know I want to do this. Perhaps this post is about me trying to convince myself I want to.

All I know though is that this is something I must do. I'll regret it if I don't.

Realizing That Living Alone is Not Easy!

Many times I tell myself that I'm better off alone. That I don't need to be judged by the people around me. That I'd do great if I have my own place to mess up on my own and no one to tell me I did not do it right.

It's my life and I should determine what makes me happy, right?

Well, I always hear that cheesy old phrase "no man's an island" every time I want to be alone. Sure, we need people to communicate with, to enrich our lives, blah blah blah. But! More importantly, it's because we just can't do everything by ourselves. We're just not that capable.

For example, I speak okay-ish Japanese. People understand me most of the time and I understand them half the time. It's enough to get me through the day. But when it comes to telling the dentist I've got a cavity that needs a better filling that that white stuff you keep shoving into it and it drops out right after having porridge for dinner (4 hours after you've had it fixed) is just not doing me a favour. Every visit to your clinic is costing me money a student with loans cannot spend.

And I can't convey myself well enough to tell the dentist that! What's worse, I can't understand if the dentist is telling me what I need to know. They're always in a hurry and I always feel rushed but when I want to ask them something they answer me so fast I don't understand and they keep sending me on my way more confused than before I asked my question. It's like they want me to keep coming back over and over until I've paid them sufficiently for a holiday they had planned next month. (Fine, that sounds unfair. But I'm still paying too much for what seems like nothing.)

Okay, I digressed. A lot. (These thoughts have been brewing for a long while I didn't realize I had all these pent up feelings.)

The point of mentioning the dentist was actually because there are things that we are just not capable of doing. Like, speaking fluently enough to communicate your thoughts and having your teeth fixed the way you want them to be. (Properly.)

That said, I need a new dentist in Japan! Any recommendations welcome!

Phone Issues

It has been awhile since I considered buying a phone. Even when it cracked late last year I simply taped over it and tried not to cry when I see it. Now, I've done it again. Dropped it on concrete for no good reason and cracked the entire top portion of the phone. There are long lines of cracks right down the middle of the screen. I have to be very careful with how I slide my fingers over the screen or I'd get slightly cut. Yes, my screen, my phone, still works. It's cracked and everything but it still functions normally.

The question is, should I buy a phone now or not?

I'm going to Japan next month. Maybe I should buy a phone there instead. Will my phone last till then? I have cash for like... a really cheap phone right now. Or I could get someone over at Aussie to help me purchase one.

Oh well... I'll leave the thinking to another day when I'm not so emotionally impaired.

On another note, I'm seated at a corner in the Coffee Club at Kinokuniya, KLCC. Can't say much about the coffee or microwaved waffles with blueberry jam but sitting here, I realized how comfortable I am just being here. Being vaguely aware of the turning of fan blades somewhere above my head, the not-too-bright but well-lit area, comfortable seats, and quiet; they're all good. While I thought about how bad my phone is, I can't help but feel calm and at peace.

I may have just found another favourite place.

Back and Going Again

I didn't think about it then but perhaps I should have posted about my last trip to Japan. :D I thought it would be my first and last trip there since I don't print money but that trip taught me one thing... I can afford a trip to Japan!

It lasted 9 days. Costed me RM4500. That included my airfare, JR pass, hostel, phone rental, food, etc. Everything. I kept hearing from friends that I'd need at least RM8k to be there so I saved about that much and found out, I only needed half of it! It was a pretty good deal. All because Air Asia exists!

So, I went to Osaka, visited Kyoto, Tokyo and came back. Now, I'm ready to visit again :D

When what you want is just not the same as the next person

It's really great when you know your purpose in life. And really great when you find others who are going in the same direction as you are. But it's not so great when you find out one day that, their commitment to what you wish to do is just not the same. I mean, your priorities will never be the same as the next person. And just because it's not the same, it doesn't mean you expect them to rearrange it so it's the same as yours. Not all of us have the same important things.

I've always remembered this story about Mary and Martha. Martha was the sister who was distracted with preparations to receive Jesus into their home while Mary was the one who sought his teachings. Because of this, Martha asked Jesus why had he not told Mary to help her in the kitchen. But Jesus said that Mary had chosen the better thing and that will not be taken away from her.

I remembered a lot of teachings from this story. The first was the more obvious. Isn't it more crucial to learn everything you can from Jesus while he was still in flesh and blood on earth? Or in today's world, isn't it more important to spend time learning and getting to know Jesus rather than be worries and flustered about your day-to-day life? Because, Jesus teaches you about life and more importantly, eternal life. (For instance, he teaches us not to worry. Is not life more important than food and the body more important than clothes?)

The second less obvious teaching was, who are you compared to the two sisters? Are you Martha the worry-wart? Or are you Mary, the one who knows what's truly important to her? Even so, what Jesus said meant that while Mary had chosen the better thing, Martha has her place as well. To Martha, preparing food and comfort for her guests is important. To Mary, it was learning everything she can from Jesus. So, while Mary chose the better thing, it doesn't mean Martha hasn't chosen the right thing. I can't find the passage right now but I know that in a later event, Martha was still serving guests but this time she had not bugged Mary to help her. It really means that, you have your gifts and in the same event, you might not be doing the same thing as the next person.

Everyone has their important thing and you don't go telling someone else to do your important thing.

While it's great for those who knows what are their important things, there are still many of us who are still looking for it. We're comfortable to a certain extent with how we live but there's always that nagging feeling that there's more to it. Sometimes we just need to reach out and grab it. Or just take a bold step in a direction to find out if that's really important to us. Or take a step back to realize that maybe what we're currently doing isn't meant for us.

Sometimes I truly understand how someone else gets upset when they're stood up or when no one turns up for a meeting they plan or a practice they've scheduled. I really get it if you're annoyed that someone made a commitment and failed to fulfill it.

But what I don't get is the unfair comments they say after everything you've done. Really makes you realize that, it's not the many good things you've done but the one time you mess up that matters to everyone else.

What I Miss

Honours year is so short. Research is fun. People... not so much. In fact, am so fed up with having to put up with lousy attitudes that I've become so cynical and mean. Although, having people with an attitude around made me realize that there are also those who understands and are truly awesome. Thanks everyone for being supportive (if you know me, you know what I'm talking about.)

Putting people aside, research has been going on smoothly. I've taken up a presidency post with the Monash Postgraduate Association at the Sunway Campus. It's a lot of work. Sat for my first student council meeting on Saturday and found out it was five hours long. Was definitely not prepared.

Meetings, research, and avoiding ignorant snubs have taken up too much of my time.

I miss having time to sit down, relax with a cuppa, and do nothing work related.
I miss my piano.
I miss being able to sleep at ten and wake up at ten.

I just miss being me.

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Joined a group with Joo at deviantart. Am apparently supposed to proofread.
Will explain more later.